I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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