Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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