Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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