I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
