My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize