Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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