Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
