I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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