I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
