i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My pussy is not your playground.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
