he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
