It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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