i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
