He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize