Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The struggles of a small town man whore
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
