Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
