i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
