This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
