I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
