i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
