everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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