my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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