hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
