you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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