Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
