sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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