my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
