I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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