Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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