someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
