We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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