My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Less talking, more tequila
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
