That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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