dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
