If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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