i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
