Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
