Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
