the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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