Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want nice things and good sex
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
