Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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