Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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