Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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