I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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