That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
