God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just threw up on my dentist
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
