I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
