Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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