i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
