The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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