3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wanna bring you to show and tell
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
