WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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