If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
