So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
