My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
