someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
