Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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