i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
