You just made me feel so damn special
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
