What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
