Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I came so hard my ears popped.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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