I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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