I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
