Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
