Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
