Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
