Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
